16 times.

every year till the age of 9 i wished for dolls, and the life of a princess every time i blew out the candles.
age 10 till 14 i wished for a boyfriend..
age 15. i wished my birth mother would pop out and say "sorry i gave up, i love you."

age 16. i stopped wishing.

break it.

Heart, we will forget him!
You an I, tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you're lagging.
I may remember him!

-Emily Dickinson

go ahead break your heart. break your stupid little heart.

Mahal Kita.

Its the end of summer. The end of a memorable summer. The end of a lifetime of memories. the end of my 2010 Summer photo album. Its on the the next album. on to the next year. and on to new memories. Junior Year. my third year of high school. Junior year means you are finally an upperclassman, after two years of crap at the sophomore and freshman ranks. However, as a junior, you still aren't the top dogs in the school, and still have another year to take orders from older douchebags. Junior year marks the beginning of the second half of your high school career... Its a year to go to prom. and to sober grad. I am going to make the best of my last year of life.
lets make it a good one class of 2012!!

in the end.

we leave. someplace else. always trying to leave. and when we finally get outta here. or there. where ever it is. we realize. that it was easier. Home. Why are we even trying to leave? do we really make a choice?do we even have a choice in the first place? or are we chased out of here by other people. out of this town. out of this life?
Do you float with the wind? and let your spirit freely travel wherever the wind blows? tell me about how you feel about this?

The Past- NSN

So we started school yesterday. Whats exciting is seeing everybody. Watching them panic over effed up schedules. or watching them brag about how great it is. Whats worse is watching the little freshman crowd up the office constantly questioning. and asking directions. I swear the next person who asks me where their class is, I'm going to give them the wrong directions. I've seen so many of my friends. and i am missing one. its like so many friends come back, and just one makes a difference on how i feel about things. and i reflect on the past. what to do in these types of situations. How not to lose a friend who moves to Colorado. its harder than it looks. I mean yeah there's the internet. there's cellphones. brain waves. mailboxes. but nothing can replace having that actual person around. we have pictures gifts to look back on. but its just not the same. you can find new friends. but nothing can replace. No body can replace Natalie Buller.
So school has started. new schedule. same people. different attitudes. harder homework. Hard like a .... anyways. And if a teacher asks me if I'm chewing gum I'll strait up tell em' I'm fighting cavities! New Trident™ Cleans and protects teeth! strawberry twist. My birthday is here. next week! and also the back to school dance... ON MY BIRTHDAY. exciting right?
anyways. i gotta fly like a bird.

Hakuna Matata.

Natalie Dearest.

Love of my life.
I'll never forget you
you've changed me for the better.
please come back soon.
and
marry me.
life is short.
but you make it bigger.
i'll love you till the day i die.

i'll be waiting.
<3

Big Issue.

Truth is a big issue these days. Truth and trust. Without truth there is not trust. All I ever hear around here is, "I don't trust you!" or, "You need to earn my trust back." as well as "Tell the truth." even, "Don't fucking lie to me I know what you said.(did)" blah blah blah. All I have left to tell you is, Believe. Believe a truth. or a lie. whatever it is. trust and believe. and if you believe. and a person will trust you enough to tell you the truth.
All I ever hear from many couples is the big trust thing. Some people just don't know how to make things simple. and some people don't know how to stay faithful. We all have our different backgrounds. and different roots. But still. it is nice to be polite. tell the truth. believe and trust.
Trust means to believe. I trust you, means I have no doubt in my mind about your honesty, integrity and credibility. No relationship can survive without trust. How to develop and keep the trust in a relationship forever, because as soon as the trust breaks, the relationship breaks. Trust is the foundation on which a relationship is built. If you don’t trust a person, howsoever you may Love them, your relationship will not survive, because you have no trust in them.
Love appears to drive people crazy. If I asked a person who has never been in love what they thought it was all about. They would have no clue compared to one who is madly in love. And the person having never been in love would think that it is crazy to fall in love. A lover feels happy, rather so happy in love that it cannot be compared with any other happiness. One forgets one’s pains, one’s pleasures and one’s existence when in love.
Break ups are the worst part. I've seen it happen to many friends and family. Its painful to watch. but even more painful to experience. And after the pain comes bitterness. and blame. Some ex-couples try to stay friends. but knowing girls. most girls hold grudges. and try but can't help but keep blaming and thinking about all that happened. all that the couple has been through. all of the time "wasted" And all we can really do is just hang around friends to forget things. and receive moral Support.
But at the same time... nothing gets better than knowing that someone out there is yours. and you are theirs. and as well as knowing that you have someone who will tell you goodnight every night. and kiss you hello every day and goodbye every night. Knowing that someone, loves you so much, that they want to spend the rest of their lives with you. And watch you make dinner in just an apron, or fall asleep next to you. or grow old with you. And the moment your lips collide with theirs a flame is ignited. and it burns bigger and brighter by day, by month, and soon enough, by year.

find the flame. like I found mine. <3

Hakuna Matata.

What do you say?

Take a chance. You may not know her past. and You may not know his secret. But if you don't take that chance, you will never know the life you could have lived. Jump off the edge. and don't look down to know if there is solid ground below. metaphorically speaking. Wherever you end up. Just remember who you are. and what made you the way you are. Don't forget where you built up your bones don't forget your friends. your family. your brother. sister. a stranger who has changed your life forever.

Don't forget her eyes.
Don't forget his words.
and Learn.
Learn from what your life has offered you.
Love till your bones explode. and your heart is fuller than a glass half full. or a glass half empty.
I know sometimes it sounds like I am repeating myself, when I tell you too "Love, Love LOVE!" but I mean it. If you lose that love, you will grow bitter. I know from experience. and I've seen it happen to others. You may be saying "No i've been broken down to the core.. i can't love anymore" but i know you can. build yourself up. and stay strong. but don't build walls, build bravery. Build courage. And Build love.
Build friendships, most of all. be kind to your friends.. they will appreciate you deeply forever. They will help you when you are down. Hold tight to them. they are precious to hold on too. like an expensive pair of High Heals. Sometimes a pain. but makes you look great. and makes you feel sexy. wait...i guess that was a bad comparative. but still. friends are good.
and life will be good.
enjoy it while your knees are still good.
Hakuna Matata.

live free.

relax. release your stress. and Find your inner love. Stretch. In the morning. And at night.
dance. actually. Dance Naked. Its the most free thing you could possibly do. Its soo invigorating. You should even swim naked. its even better while at night. to look at the stars while everything is... floating. as if among the clouds yourself. like a a bubble. an un-burstable bubble.
do it. jump in.

Hakuna Matata.

Why care?

I love shopping. doesn't mean I am a skank. I love reading. doesn't mean I'm a nerd. I hate food. doesn't mean I'm skinny. I Love. Doesn't mean I'm a ho. Why do we care what other people do or what they say? Why do we create labels for ourselves and others. For all I know we could be pointing other people flaws to hide flaws of our own. Why do we even care about our own lives? We're just gonna die in the end. eventually be forgotten. Some of us won't even make a dent in others lives. There have been so many forgotten. So many mixed up stories. and Fake identities. Why do we always try to runaway. when the only thing we are running from is ourselves.
What's the big deal? why worry about other people. we should be worrying about ourselves. We should be coming clean to ourselves. We should just stay free. live carefree.
I will if you will.

No Fame.

I am nobody. You probably are too. I guess its harder than they make it look. But Simon seems like a hard ass. I would never get past that guy. Who would want to put up with his crap anyways? American Idol. is. stupid. Its the easy street to fame. Why would you want to get out easy? Or be known as "The one who was in American Idol?" Its only the easy road.
I would rather work really hard for my fame. Even if I do come out with cuts and bruises. I would still know that all the effort I put into it, Was finally worth it. And I, am finally worth it.
So many people I know think they are the king of anything. And they just trot in on their high horse. With diamonds and jewels shoved up their.. anyways. Nobody died. and you aren't the king of anything. Your fame is nothing. If you are going to act so cocky about it. And Flaunt around like you can tell me what to do.
But who cares. I don't.
Maybe I should be encouraging you to let your light shine. And you should. but you aren't the brightest bulb in the box. We are all the same shape. The same Wattage. Why do we go around saying "I'm brighter than you." "I have more facebook friends than you" or even simply this: "Bitch."
Burn. Cut. Slash. Ouch. that hurts. We all start off somewhere. and end up in a Socket somewhere, shining our light. till we give up. and get out.
I know. I am comparing people to lightbulbs. I have to admit. It is pretty brilliant.

Lost person.

We all lose. Something. someone. and we all are missing. I am missing. a link. my background. my person. You are missing a friend. an ex. a piece of clothing. something is missing. but yet again. Something. someone. is waiting to be found. Words. begin failing. and feelings could be fading. Sometimes being broke is better than being rich. and bountiful with money. sometimes you just gotta appreciate what you got. Cos' you might die or get shot.

You gotta stop being a coward. You gotta start taking the risk. even if what you think will happen in the end is totally opposite. and unexpected. It makes me sad that others aren't as excited than i am about Living. Let loose. tell the truth. share a secret. and Find that person. Find your link. Or just wait. and you will be found. Express meaning. express Feeling. express life.
Be love.

Waking up in vegas

by Katy Perry

I wasn't married by Elvis. Or totally get smashed with a hangover. it was fun. our room was in a great location. and our hotel was missing level 13. lmao.
and everyone treated me like i was 23 or something.
the beatles love show. was. orgasmic. end of story.
and i loved shopping at forever21. <3
thats about it:)

The art of racing in the rain.

^^ its a good book by the way:)
Song: Capri by Colbie Callait.

I am at peace. No my life isn't perfection. Yes my sister will always want out. And yes I have effed up, like many of us do. I am at peace because I have no regrets. I have learned. I will learn. As my mother always says, "Please and Thank you make you welcome where ever you are." I've learned this is true. Another important one, though, is I am sorry. I could fill a book with apologies. Sadly I could fill a sheet of paper with all the ones I have actually said. and I could fill a thousand pages of lies. and a hundred full of brutal honesty.
But another thing i could fill... is the world. full of Love.
as i said before. I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a princess even though i give him a hard time at times. and I have the most beautiful friends. best friends to be exact. no one can replace any of them . they are perfect. i look on the bright side. at all my positives. and i ignore the negative. and I grab the bull by the balls. and i just do it. :)
and THEN i learn.
thats the way to do it.
:)
peace.