Dirty Shed

For my best friends.

crazygirlsandboys.

something

Wake Up

You're alive.

You are breathing, am I not correct? and when you are not exhaling, you are inhaling. You're alive. You are alive. Now stop pushing yourself down. You will not be a ghost. You are not a worthless thing. You are you. The only one that is the best at being you. You are a pearl. A bright beautiful pearl. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are Bold! You are constructed Magnificently! and best of all, you are Loved. In fact you are better than you were yesterday. You will never turn to stone. You will always be lovely and delightful in somebody's eyes.

You are a thunderstorm, the hiss of the wind, the boom of thunder, the lightning that lights up the sky. Sometimes in this boring, scheduled life, this Wait-for-friday-night life we all lead. we need something to remind us that nothing is perfect. sometimes not even nature can handle the pressure. Sometimes the sky explodes.

You will Shine. It's okay if you fall. You can just get back up again. Why don't you look up at the sky while you're down there? The Blue sky spreads across above you. Can you see it smiling at you? You are alive.

take a step back and look at yourself. you are human. you are beautiful. you are so beautiful and you can be anything. you can be Everything! Do not hate everyone because someone broke your heart, or because your parents split up, or your best friend betrayed you. your father hit you, the kid down the street called you a fag. do not concern yourself with things you cannot control. live your life to it's full potential. Just live dammit. just let go of all the horrible things in your life and effin live. and one day when you are old and haggard. Look back without any regrets. stay positive.

You can do it. You can be that. you can be you. You can live. don't go on wishing for non-existence. even when its rough, make it till the very end. Prove everyone that you made it.

you are good enough.

Even Diamonds start out as coal.

-L

Hakuna matata

Forever, she said.

Lets spend ∞ together.

I'm Here. I love you. You don't care if i need to stay up crying all night long. You'll stay with me.

if you need to call me in the darkness of midnight, go ahead and call, I'm here for you. there is nothing you can ever do that can make me lose my love for you. i will protect you until you die. Even after death i will protect you. I will be stronger than depression. and Braver Than Lonliness. Nothing will ever exhaust me.

♥

You're the apple to my pie.

the straw to my berry

the smoke to my high

The one i wanna marry

smile for once.

smile.

Frigid Evenings.

Flash. I remember, walking on the waters edge. sand beneath my shoes. Heart shaped pebbles picked up. and tossed into the lake.

Flash. Scene change. Jumbled thoughts. Brisk Nights spent beneath a blanket. I listen as your heartbeat pounds excitedly.

Flash. Pictures on a wall. Zoom in. She's smiling. I'm laughing. Funny Faces. Blockbuster. I laugh a Little at the thought. I was so sick that night.

Flash. Ring. Phone rings. the fateful message releasing me and letting me free. although I cry.

Flash. My Heart is battering in my chest. he looks at me. and leans in. Electric kisses. Electric Hearts. Flame ignited within myself.

Flash.

bestfriends. Home. Reunited.

If..

weheartit

everybody. everything.

Winter. Fall. Remain the same. yet always change.
Storms thundering through past the seas past the blue.
As winds fly colder. hearts grow bolder.

Keep your breath up. Hold your head up.
Look up to the sky. Watch the people pass by.
Can't find love. In the corner of your heart.

Remains the same. Fall and Winter games.

dream inside a dream.

I wake up.
Ugh. it's Monday already. it feels like only Friday. I begin my morning duties. Take the dog out to pee. then pee myself. thinking, Why does the dog get to piss before I do? I grab my zebra towel along with my green one. and go to shower. While in the shower, I play out the day, hoping maybe something interesting will happen today. only soon to wake up from my daydream by the constant whine of my puppy, Vinny. Wake up. Get a hold of yourself. I step out greeted, by the joyful whine of Vinny, so very happy to see me, he begins to lick my feet. I Dress and check the weather on my ipod. Make breakfast. the rest is a blur.
I'm at school. Hi people hi friends. Hello my love my oh so adoring and handsome boyfriend so happy to see me. Hello. feeling like something is missing though. Did i forget to pluck my eyebrows? ... yes....did i forget my homework? or my coffee? or my clothes? .. no something is missing. No. Not something. Someone.
The day is half over now. I've been thinking of you all day now. Always the last thing on my mind.
I collapse. on my bed. and fall asleep. only to wake up.

for real this time.
The only good thing.. It's Friday.

Nine O'Clock

Grow up.
Build up.
Hurry up.
Sit up.
Throw up.
Stand up.
Light up.
Wake up.
Go up.
Pick up.

Pick yourself up.

Bones. and Bullets.

We started with hello.
Maybe it was my eyes. or yours.
Perhaps it was the way you greeted me.
The way my name just spilled out from your lips, & down to my ear.
Could it have been my smile? or yours?
it couldn't have been about looks. I don't meet the average. I'm below average actually.
I'm 5'1".

but i am an average teenager. My attitude. My dreams.
What made you pick me? or was it I that picked you?
i wasn't expecting much. I never even dreamed of this happening.
At the time you were only a hello and goodbye. and now you are a forever.
My forever.

I'd catch a bullet for you.

The Life and times.

Your always there for me to talk to. And if you are unhappy listening to my stories. you just leave. But thats okay with me. You aren't afraid to show your feelings around me. You just come right out with it. Sometimes you just give me a little bite to let me know of your unhappiness. I admit. it does hurt only sometimes. But other times i like to just snuggle with you and wrap my arms around you... and i like to rub your back. sometimes you are so happy with me that you lick my hand.
I also enjoy sitting in front of the house and having you sit on my lap. and just watching my surroundings. You love my attention. those green eyes of yours watching all that is around. and keeping me in my place. When i am away i think of you and how nice it would be to just take a nap with you laying nearby to keep me company.
And in the morning when i tell you of what i plan to do that day. and how i hate to leave you alone. But i know you can handle yourself. You are very independent. but i like that about you.
When i first met you i felt like i already knew everything about you. Like that your favorite animal is birds. and That you are very curious about new things. You get frisky and playful at times too. and You get so silly. I knew by just looking at you that you love sushi and fish.
I'm glad we're friends. I'm glad to have you hang around all the time.
I'm Glad you're my cat.

Love,
The Cat Person.

Dear Mom,

I've never met you. Never even seen a passing glance. I've never seen the color of your eyes. Or hair for that matter. I've never seen your smile, or watched as time flew by and your laugh lines etch themselves upon your face. I've never been shopping with you. Or told you about a current boyfriend. I've never heard you scold me. or look at me with disappointment. I've never heard you sing. or what your favorite kind of animal is. I don't know if you are tall, or short, or skinny, or fat. Or if you like music, or food, or dogs, or cats.
I've never met you.

You've never met me. Never even glanced at me. or seen the color of my eyes. Or seen the color of my hair for that matter, and that it changes along with the seasons. You've never seen my smile. Or how my smile could easily lighten up other peoples days. Never heard my voice. My laugh. My giggle. My I Love you's in the morning and sweet dreams in the night. Never heard me sing my songs. You don't know that I am happy with a boy. Or even that my favorite color is yellow like the sun and gold like my heart. You don't know that I was offered a record deal. You don't know that i have an empty hole in my heart that doesn't know me because it wants to know you first.
You've never met me.

I've always pondered about you. Wondered what you are like. How your life is now. If you think about me as often as i do about you. What kind of music you listen to. Blues? or Jazz? Metal? or Rap? I don't know if you have dark skin as i do. or if you are white. Did you know that i am pursuing a career in Cosmetology? And today... my boyfriend gave my such a big and obvious hicky?! And I am about to make myself dinner and a batch of cookies for me and my friends! And in a couple weeks.. I'm going to Homecoming dance with my cutie batooty boyfriend that i love so dearly. Wearing my yellow stiletto heals. and a sinfully cute dress. And today... a couple boys said i looked like snookie! and wanted my autograph. haha. but i don't know whats going on in your life...


I don't know you. and you don't know me.

Should i keep it that way? or should we just be passing strangers forever with missing pieces scattered about us? All i do know... is that i love you. Even though you gave up. Even though you couldn't handle carrying a burden so painful as me. I love you. Even though i don't know who you are. Or where you live.Or How you dress. Or How you act. I love you. Missing or not. Stranger or not. I love what you did for me to live. I love your ghostly laugh unheard. and your voice. I love your eyes. cos i know they are seen through mine. I love the color of your skin. Filipino or white. I love the color of your hair. I love your words gone unsaid.
I love you mom.
Even though you're a stranger to me.

I love that you gave up on me. When i never will give up on you. Because your hardships are worse than mine will ever be.

I love you mom.
I love you. Love you. Love you.

I secretly hope you feel the same.

Sincerely,
The adopted.

In my House

Dear Person #1,

The memories lie in my house. You made love to me in my bed. You spent TV
seasons with me under that black and white blanket on my sofa. You sat
on my front porch talking to my mom, and you snuck in through my
basement window to see me.

The memories lie in my house. I remember what it feels like to fit kisses
sloppily between our laughs that time on the cabana by my pool. And
the night sky through my window looks the same tonight as it did the
night you had your arms around me. And I can still feel my heart rise
when you threw me playfully onto your shoulders and whirled me around
in front of my mirror.

Never mind that you were my first lover. Never mind that once, you
held my heart in your hand. Never mind that you have discovered all of
me, my every flaw and freckle.

The memories lie in my house. You’ve left your memory in all the rooms and
your lips on all the cups. Your faded image flickers as it lounges on
my kitchen chair smiling, like a dream my house is having.

I don't want to let you go. I don't need to. My heart is yours now; it skips an
honest beat to breath your name. & the memories are in my heart.
& the memories are my house - ‘cause in it, you’re
everywhere to me.

I miss you on the weekends but i have my memories.
So i guess. i'll be seein you around.

Love always, Person #2

I spy...

A smile. a laugh. a tickled heart.
A touch. a feel. a love to start.

“Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping beauty let her whole life pass by, Belle fell in love with a beast, Pocahontas risked her life for a feast, Jasmine could have had anyone but she chose a poor man, and Ariel, she walked on land.”

So many people dislike fairy tales because it makes us believe in love, believe that a prince will swoop down and save us when something goes wrong. But I’ve come to realize that in every fairytale-like movie, every girl took a risk. Took a risk for love, took a risk in the name of love.

So, how do we know if our own fairytale won’t really happen if we don’t try, if we stop believing in love?

I know it’s hard for some of you to put down their guard and to learn to trust someone else sometimes. I know because I’ve been through it. People like us, we distance ourselves from people we genuinely like just because we are afraid to get hurt. But does building up these walls ultimately save us from hurting?

It doesn’t.

We’ve got to know that these people, the people we are blocking out because of our own insecurities, will leave someday too. Leave for something better. Everyone will cause you pain and hurt and tears, but you have to decide who’s worth it. And when you make that decision, happiness will come to you.

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way they want. Doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have."
-unknown

he's the air. i'd kill to breath.

Please know there are much better things in life than being
lonely or liked,
or bitter or mean or self conscious.

we are all full of S***.

Go love someone just because.
I know your heart may be badly bruised.
Or even the victim of numerous knifings
but it will always heal.
Even if you don't want it to.. it keeps going.

There are the most fantastic beautiful
things and people out there.
I promise.

it is up to you.
to find them.

Golden Wings.

Sparkle. Shock.
Colored Chalk.
Boom. Ka-bang.
Talking slang.
Ping. ta-ching.
Turquoise spring.
gunshot pow.
tipping cows.

here ends my rhyme of the day.


here begins my blog.

There once was a man who lived in a house in a wooded area. He liked to drive into town and meet new people, and hear the latest news. He also enjoyed walking and searching for interesting things. One day, feeling adventurous, he searched high and low for something unique. something gold. something pretty. something bold. He came across a beautiful Feather that was golden and white. when he picked it up he noticed a packing peanut, and a note on it that said, "3" He had no idea what to make of the note. so he looked for more clues and hints. eventually coming across a Red robin perched at his feet. He was quite surprised when it wasn't scared away by him. It flew up and beckoned for him to follow. so he chased after this bird for a while. until he came across a clearing in the woods. light shining down through the trees, he saw the most beautiful human being he had ever lain eyes upon. She look up from under her eyelashes at him, then acknowledging her red feathered friend. He took a step forward, and sat across from her. "I've been waiting for you, my love." she told him with a small smile etched across her lips. He had no words. He just looked at her and studied how her hair fell over her shoulders, and the sun shown the light brown tint in her hair. Her golden tan skin, & eyes so big and captivating.. He fell in. and her lips, so tantalizing. He opened his mouth to say something but no words could pass. He fell shy of saying anything. Not knowing what to say and a bit embarrassed he looked down. "What took you so long?" A rhetorical question he hoped, but she paused to long waiting for his answer... "you must have me mistaken.." he said very small. She replied with one thing that he could never forget, "All I want is you." He began to stand up and she followed. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her.... then they went back to his cabin... and they did IT!

just kidding!

gotcha.

anyways. there is no ending to this story because this is a forever kind of love.
(to be continued?..) :]

journal entry number 33.

Today was... well. lets just say day isn't the best time of day for me. Its not like I even did anything interesting. or anything at all. it was just a regular kind of school day. almost. well i did eat lunch with my friends today. big shocker. But it was very enjoyable. Not everyone will like me.. but I try my very best to seem.. real enough. not fake.
I came home to a happy family. [very good] and spent most of the rest of the day either cooking or sitting here at this stupid computer trying to download the new itunes. Is it even worth it? i don't know. Along with that i was trying to figure out what to write about here. a few topics i came up with were: teenagers, love and dogs. pretty great right? so i need to expand my list of topics to write about although I'm mostly a writer of love and passion and improving relationships, advice, etc. etc. etc.

Speaking of dogs... I really want a puppy. But we already have two old dogs at the end of their line. and it may seem as though i am being careless and ignorant. But our dogs will be gone within the next two weeks. and before i know it my dad will be growing a green lawn that he'll like to mow every now and then. So i was looking on the interweb and found a really cute puppy. actually i found many cute puppies. but one stood out to me the most. Time is running out. and i really need to make quick decisions if i should get this puppy or not because she doesn't have much time left.... Save a puppy?

next subject:
Teenagers.
Our generation has balls. We aren't afraid. we take our chances. we make mistakes then we grow wise. Some of the wisest people i know are teenagers. and thats all i have to say about that.

last but not least. Love.
Today. you should love. till the end of your days. be patient. and be kind. be respectful of yourself. take advice. and remember i'll always pull you through. even if i don't agree.
the reason that the ring is placed on the fourth finger from your thumb on your left hand is because its the only finger in your hand that has a vein running all the way to your heart.
be good with your heart.

thats alll folks.

hakuna matata.

(i'll have a better blog tomorrow. today wasn't my floww)

32 loves.

My dearest, ♥

I love you.

I love your smile.
I love how you forget to shave sometimes and your prickles tickle my lips.
I love how you look at me as if I'm pretty.
I love how you compliment me.
I love how we have awkward moments, which aren't actually awkward.
I love how you would always fall asleep on me.
I love how you text me till the morning.
I love that you are polite.
I love your hair.
cute butt babe.
I love the way you smell after a shower.
I love the way you laugh. even if its at me.
I love the way you can act like a total big kid.
I love the excitement I get when I receive a new message from you.
I love how we can talk.
I love your letters.
I loved it when you wrote {I ♥ U}. on the bottom of my shoe
I love it when we snuggle.
I love the way you dance.
I love it when your embarrassed about something. :)
I love how romantic you are.
I love holding hands with you.
I love how determined you are.
I love how forgiving you are.
I love how you hang out with me all the time. you know you don't have to...
I love how cute you are.
I love your asian silver eyes.
I loved the way you asked me out.
I love how giving you are.
boy you've got style.
I love it when you put up with my childish games.
I love it when you are annoyed with me.



I Love You ♥

-Koala Girl

time takes time.

One year ago. I didn't know you.

Well. I knew you, but I was caught up in my own melodrama from an ex boyfriend. I thought he was honest. I thought he was nice. But that was before I noticed my attraction for you. That was when I had first discovered relationships that last. Until mine had finally crumbled. I saw it coming. I didn't want to admit it though. but what can I say? I was only a young naive freshman. I didn't know any better.


Eight months ago, broken worn and confused.

sitting in English. I noticed. I saw you sitting there. Only feeling a slight spark. A slight spark in my mud hole of a heart. You were so curious. i wanted to know more about you and talk to you for hours about you. I knew you wouldn't even take a second glance at me. A filipino with a boring past. I thought. you wouldn't even notice me.


Seven months ago I knew what to do.

I decided I would try to build a relationship with you. If not my boyfriend, at least my friend. so I began to talk to you. I began telling my friends about my new found crush. They tried to encourage me. And even brought me up to you every now and then. I was soon informed of the Sadie Hawkins dance. where it all began.


Six months ago you gave me butterflies.

With Sadie Hawkins swiftly approaching and me spending days deciding how on earth I should ask you. Nights spent wondering if you felt the same way I did. My friends asked you how you felt about me. you showed interest in me. And I you. Eventually I devised a plan to ask you to sadies. I don't know if you remember but...the first time I attempted to ask you I was so nervous I ran away. and you standing there with all of my friends probably didn't notice... but they did. my next endeavor was a shoot and score! With alittle help from my friends, Nothing a little encouragement can't do. I remember your exact words "Heck Yes!" I won't forget. ever. and when sadies was finally here. i remember dancing and laughing. smiling. being happy. the happiest in months.

Five months ago.. well....five to six...

You finally asked me out:) i was so happy i died. I knew a week later would be your birthday. i didn't want to get something over the top or something below the belt. soo I knew i would kiss you. after a week of dating, and the day before your birthday, I kissed you. or maybe it was the other way around. You kissed me. Or maybe is was just a mutual decision.. whatever it was.. it was perfect. just like you

4 months ago we were still going strong.

every day of every week I was hoping that it would last. I would cross my fingers and hope not to make the wrong choice. every day I would try so hard to be your perfect. knowing I am completely horrible at that.



3 months ago I had to travel.

I still don't know how on earth I lasted two full weeks without you. longing to be with you. Sitting in the cold wind in Alaska wondering what you were doing at that exact moment. trying to text you but not a single text sent. Calling but losing service. Calling but not having enough time. Calling but being interrupted. Calling. and finally coming home and seeing you. Finally at last in your arms kissing you and feeling the love sink in past the ice that had grown while I was away in Nikiski.


2 months ago till the end of a lifetime.

you filled the rest of my summer days with a happiness I never knew existed. and that is... extreme happiness. Who'd have known. that a year ago you were merely a passing glance. a slipping thought. and a deep hidden craving no one knew about except for myself.



one month ago till the rest of our lives.

we became the best of friends. you know everything about me. you know what I like. you treat me like a princess. you make my world. you built me up from broken bones. you cheer me up and help me escape home. You bring out the best in me. and the crazy. you brought me out of the dark.

Now beyond forever.

You’re my only. You’re my one. We’ve been perfectly in sync our whole relationship and even though it’s only been 6 months it’s real.Its real because of everytime you whisper you love me. and everytime you automatically know I am yours, all of me, for every moment of forever. I gave you everything of me and you gave me everything of yours. For forever and ever. not a day less. not even a sick day.

I love you.

-hakuna matata.

Why you need a (new)boyfriend (reason # 30)

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10. You are a beautiful person.
20. You deserve to be happy.
30. You are so negative and unfriendly, and I constantly dream of you being this happy carefree person. I know you could use someone to vent to other than myself. you could use someone who will put their arm around you and rub your back. You could use someone to carry your books. Someone who will accept you. You don't need to prove to the world that you are "alright" with what you got. It's okay. We know you are unhappy. We know that you can't hold it together forever. its going to fall apart eventually. You don't need to show off what you got. because what you got isn't hot. You don't need to brag about it. I don't approve either way. He could give you a diamond ring. I still won't be impressed. You deserve better than a I'd-rather-be-playing-halo guy. or even a I-cheated-and-could-care-less douche fag.
I know love. I've read about it. I've researched it. I've attempted to define love. and I know what you have isn't love. I can tell you have a strong feeling of love. but I can't see it in his eyes. Relationships. They’re solid. They’re long. They’re comfortable. They’re home. It’s a different kind of being known. A different kind of close. A different kind of love. can't you understand? My love is a good example, it goes something like this:

You put your hand on my heart. I caught my breathe and held it for what seemed like an eternity. And then you leaned down and kissed me softly and just held me for an eternity I wasn't even sure if I loved you yet. But at that moment, I knew you were different. You weren't like the other guys. You didn't rush me or make me feel bad for pushing you away. You were patient.

Find the right kind of love. The kind you know is right. the kind you know is kind. the kind you know is love. don't give it up once you do find it. don't let it die.

la mort c'est la mort. mais l'amour c'est l'amour. la mort c'est seulement la mort. mais l'amour c'est l'amour. - death is death. but love is love. death is only death. but love is love.

Call me bitter, but it makes me so mad to see it sometimes. Especially when my friend comes crying to me. I know i should be a great friend and listen, and don't get me wrong... i do; i sit there and listen and offer my best advice from the heart but deep down inside i just want to take her by the shoulders and shake her compulsively while screaming "you have no idea!". Because really, she doesn't have any idea. None of these back and forth couples do. They have no idea what it's like to be completely ripped and pushed away from someone you love and be forced to let go...to have to deal with the pain that comes with someone giving up on you and wanting nothing to do with you ever again, just like that.

seeing all of these couples get back together, or make a huge fuss when they're on a break because to them it's the end of the world to even think of letting go, even though realistically they'll be back with each other in a month give or take, makes me want to roll my eyes or smack them in the head. Sometimes i wish it could be me. And it was briefly. I took back a crappy relationship and you know what it was the second time around? Crap. Big shocker there. And i sometimes look at these couples that get back together and i still wish it could be me. That like all the other guys i see, my ex will come busting through my door with a bouquet of roses and tears in his pathetic eyes, begging to start something over again. But you know what? It didn't happen for me and it will never happen for me and that's something that makes you strong.

So this one goes out to all of the people how have been broken but have been strong enough to let go. For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt they could never love again, but kept their head up. For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead. For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that wish loneliness wasn't a part of them, but put up with it anyhow. For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty. For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway. For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future. For the people that have wounds still healing. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead. For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead. For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to. For the people that still believe in love even after all of the hurt their heart has endured.

For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most times it's better just to let go.

This one is for you. We'll get our happy ending someday.

Heat wave.

Yellow Gold. Bright and Bold.
Find a love. Save a soul.
Happy Sad. high or low.
searching smiles. Heart turns cold.

Miss the way. Hide away.
hate the leave. you should stay.
Fear appear. Ends are frayed.
leave like trees. Hide the day

Time is right. Moment's strong.
in my heart. you belong.
up all night. sleep at dawn.
you and I. we are young.

Kiss my sass.

I'll bring back the sass. because I'm sick and tired of being shoved around. and placed like a mannequin. and dressed up like a paper doll. and that's all I have to say about that.




We build walls. we build bridges. we close doors. we bottle it up. Because we are scared for the most part. I build walls. I hold this city up. but I'm more than ready to move to the next town. I'm ready to read the next chapter. I wanna finish this book with a Happy ending. not a "I'm constantly controlled." ending.
Why do others try to knock your walls down. and burn bridges. and open doors with locks. and break the bottles? History is proof that this only leads towards a war. Metaphorically speaking. (you learn a lot while TAing for a history teacher)
I feel like I've been spit on. right in the face.
this may sound selfish. but... after all I've done for so many people. after all the gifts. all the advice. I get nothing. I feel worthless. and I have nothing but a full heart. for very few.
I'll screw up. and I'll learn the lesson on my own. i don't need your help to make me feel like I've been spit on.



Happiness is a warm gun.

16 times.

every year till the age of 9 i wished for dolls, and the life of a princess every time i blew out the candles.
age 10 till 14 i wished for a boyfriend..
age 15. i wished my birth mother would pop out and say "sorry i gave up, i love you."

age 16. i stopped wishing.

break it.

Heart, we will forget him!
You an I, tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you're lagging.
I may remember him!

-Emily Dickinson

go ahead break your heart. break your stupid little heart.

Mahal Kita.

Its the end of summer. The end of a memorable summer. The end of a lifetime of memories. the end of my 2010 Summer photo album. Its on the the next album. on to the next year. and on to new memories. Junior Year. my third year of high school. Junior year means you are finally an upperclassman, after two years of crap at the sophomore and freshman ranks. However, as a junior, you still aren't the top dogs in the school, and still have another year to take orders from older douchebags. Junior year marks the beginning of the second half of your high school career... Its a year to go to prom. and to sober grad. I am going to make the best of my last year of life.
lets make it a good one class of 2012!!

in the end.

we leave. someplace else. always trying to leave. and when we finally get outta here. or there. where ever it is. we realize. that it was easier. Home. Why are we even trying to leave? do we really make a choice?do we even have a choice in the first place? or are we chased out of here by other people. out of this town. out of this life?
Do you float with the wind? and let your spirit freely travel wherever the wind blows? tell me about how you feel about this?

The Past- NSN

So we started school yesterday. Whats exciting is seeing everybody. Watching them panic over effed up schedules. or watching them brag about how great it is. Whats worse is watching the little freshman crowd up the office constantly questioning. and asking directions. I swear the next person who asks me where their class is, I'm going to give them the wrong directions. I've seen so many of my friends. and i am missing one. its like so many friends come back, and just one makes a difference on how i feel about things. and i reflect on the past. what to do in these types of situations. How not to lose a friend who moves to Colorado. its harder than it looks. I mean yeah there's the internet. there's cellphones. brain waves. mailboxes. but nothing can replace having that actual person around. we have pictures gifts to look back on. but its just not the same. you can find new friends. but nothing can replace. No body can replace Natalie Buller.
So school has started. new schedule. same people. different attitudes. harder homework. Hard like a .... anyways. And if a teacher asks me if I'm chewing gum I'll strait up tell em' I'm fighting cavities! New Trident™ Cleans and protects teeth! strawberry twist. My birthday is here. next week! and also the back to school dance... ON MY BIRTHDAY. exciting right?
anyways. i gotta fly like a bird.

Hakuna Matata.

Natalie Dearest.

Love of my life.
I'll never forget you
you've changed me for the better.
please come back soon.
and
marry me.
life is short.
but you make it bigger.
i'll love you till the day i die.

i'll be waiting.
<3

Big Issue.

Truth is a big issue these days. Truth and trust. Without truth there is not trust. All I ever hear around here is, "I don't trust you!" or, "You need to earn my trust back." as well as "Tell the truth." even, "Don't fucking lie to me I know what you said.(did)" blah blah blah. All I have left to tell you is, Believe. Believe a truth. or a lie. whatever it is. trust and believe. and if you believe. and a person will trust you enough to tell you the truth.
All I ever hear from many couples is the big trust thing. Some people just don't know how to make things simple. and some people don't know how to stay faithful. We all have our different backgrounds. and different roots. But still. it is nice to be polite. tell the truth. believe and trust.
Trust means to believe. I trust you, means I have no doubt in my mind about your honesty, integrity and credibility. No relationship can survive without trust. How to develop and keep the trust in a relationship forever, because as soon as the trust breaks, the relationship breaks. Trust is the foundation on which a relationship is built. If you don’t trust a person, howsoever you may Love them, your relationship will not survive, because you have no trust in them.
Love appears to drive people crazy. If I asked a person who has never been in love what they thought it was all about. They would have no clue compared to one who is madly in love. And the person having never been in love would think that it is crazy to fall in love. A lover feels happy, rather so happy in love that it cannot be compared with any other happiness. One forgets one’s pains, one’s pleasures and one’s existence when in love.
Break ups are the worst part. I've seen it happen to many friends and family. Its painful to watch. but even more painful to experience. And after the pain comes bitterness. and blame. Some ex-couples try to stay friends. but knowing girls. most girls hold grudges. and try but can't help but keep blaming and thinking about all that happened. all that the couple has been through. all of the time "wasted" And all we can really do is just hang around friends to forget things. and receive moral Support.
But at the same time... nothing gets better than knowing that someone out there is yours. and you are theirs. and as well as knowing that you have someone who will tell you goodnight every night. and kiss you hello every day and goodbye every night. Knowing that someone, loves you so much, that they want to spend the rest of their lives with you. And watch you make dinner in just an apron, or fall asleep next to you. or grow old with you. And the moment your lips collide with theirs a flame is ignited. and it burns bigger and brighter by day, by month, and soon enough, by year.

find the flame. like I found mine. <3

Hakuna Matata.

What do you say?

Take a chance. You may not know her past. and You may not know his secret. But if you don't take that chance, you will never know the life you could have lived. Jump off the edge. and don't look down to know if there is solid ground below. metaphorically speaking. Wherever you end up. Just remember who you are. and what made you the way you are. Don't forget where you built up your bones don't forget your friends. your family. your brother. sister. a stranger who has changed your life forever.

Don't forget her eyes.
Don't forget his words.
and Learn.
Learn from what your life has offered you.
Love till your bones explode. and your heart is fuller than a glass half full. or a glass half empty.
I know sometimes it sounds like I am repeating myself, when I tell you too "Love, Love LOVE!" but I mean it. If you lose that love, you will grow bitter. I know from experience. and I've seen it happen to others. You may be saying "No i've been broken down to the core.. i can't love anymore" but i know you can. build yourself up. and stay strong. but don't build walls, build bravery. Build courage. And Build love.
Build friendships, most of all. be kind to your friends.. they will appreciate you deeply forever. They will help you when you are down. Hold tight to them. they are precious to hold on too. like an expensive pair of High Heals. Sometimes a pain. but makes you look great. and makes you feel sexy. wait...i guess that was a bad comparative. but still. friends are good.
and life will be good.
enjoy it while your knees are still good.
Hakuna Matata.

live free.

relax. release your stress. and Find your inner love. Stretch. In the morning. And at night.
dance. actually. Dance Naked. Its the most free thing you could possibly do. Its soo invigorating. You should even swim naked. its even better while at night. to look at the stars while everything is... floating. as if among the clouds yourself. like a a bubble. an un-burstable bubble.
do it. jump in.

Hakuna Matata.

Why care?

I love shopping. doesn't mean I am a skank. I love reading. doesn't mean I'm a nerd. I hate food. doesn't mean I'm skinny. I Love. Doesn't mean I'm a ho. Why do we care what other people do or what they say? Why do we create labels for ourselves and others. For all I know we could be pointing other people flaws to hide flaws of our own. Why do we even care about our own lives? We're just gonna die in the end. eventually be forgotten. Some of us won't even make a dent in others lives. There have been so many forgotten. So many mixed up stories. and Fake identities. Why do we always try to runaway. when the only thing we are running from is ourselves.
What's the big deal? why worry about other people. we should be worrying about ourselves. We should be coming clean to ourselves. We should just stay free. live carefree.
I will if you will.

No Fame.

I am nobody. You probably are too. I guess its harder than they make it look. But Simon seems like a hard ass. I would never get past that guy. Who would want to put up with his crap anyways? American Idol. is. stupid. Its the easy street to fame. Why would you want to get out easy? Or be known as "The one who was in American Idol?" Its only the easy road.
I would rather work really hard for my fame. Even if I do come out with cuts and bruises. I would still know that all the effort I put into it, Was finally worth it. And I, am finally worth it.
So many people I know think they are the king of anything. And they just trot in on their high horse. With diamonds and jewels shoved up their.. anyways. Nobody died. and you aren't the king of anything. Your fame is nothing. If you are going to act so cocky about it. And Flaunt around like you can tell me what to do.
But who cares. I don't.
Maybe I should be encouraging you to let your light shine. And you should. but you aren't the brightest bulb in the box. We are all the same shape. The same Wattage. Why do we go around saying "I'm brighter than you." "I have more facebook friends than you" or even simply this: "Bitch."
Burn. Cut. Slash. Ouch. that hurts. We all start off somewhere. and end up in a Socket somewhere, shining our light. till we give up. and get out.
I know. I am comparing people to lightbulbs. I have to admit. It is pretty brilliant.

Lost person.

We all lose. Something. someone. and we all are missing. I am missing. a link. my background. my person. You are missing a friend. an ex. a piece of clothing. something is missing. but yet again. Something. someone. is waiting to be found. Words. begin failing. and feelings could be fading. Sometimes being broke is better than being rich. and bountiful with money. sometimes you just gotta appreciate what you got. Cos' you might die or get shot.

You gotta stop being a coward. You gotta start taking the risk. even if what you think will happen in the end is totally opposite. and unexpected. It makes me sad that others aren't as excited than i am about Living. Let loose. tell the truth. share a secret. and Find that person. Find your link. Or just wait. and you will be found. Express meaning. express Feeling. express life.
Be love.