Thursday, April 28, 2011

My Reply.

Dear friend-who-shall-remain-nameless,


      I read. and you're right. I don't understand. I don't know what you went through. But i try to understand.  I want to. I want to fix things. with everyone who i had hurt. I want us Three back. and I myself am full of regret. And I hate saying that I am full of regret because I always told myself that I will live life without regret. But truth is. I regret everything. I regret the words. I regret the jealousy. (yes i will forever be jealous of you) I regret the lies, the promises and the betrayal. I figure, thats just what happens in high school. But it shouldn't. The things i've done. shouldn't have ever been done to anyone. because no best friend deserves that kind of treatment. Not a day goes by that i don't think about it. 


I hate this fading. And this nonexistent relationship. I hate not having you to claim as my best. 
Its like a falling out. but worse. It's like not breathing but worse.


... It's like when you're looking for something but you forgot where it is. and what it was that you were looking for... because thats just bad.


     The thing is. I hope you hate me. And tell everybody how horrible of a friend i was to you. because nobody deserves the way i treated you. I hope you never want to be that close with me again. yet i hope we can be just as close but closer. (as if it would build our bones stronger and make us more... idk) I don't know where i am going with this. It all comes down to... I miss you. miss you. miss you. 
I feel like i broke your heart. and tore you to pieces. I feel like its my fault because i kept telling you that you needed someone, like i have someone. and then you ended up in a fickle. with boys. and toys. and things. am i a bad influence? i know i am. 
enough about me... because I'm not the one who needs sympathy.


Junior year could have been better for us my dear. 




Deep down inside i hope we can make up for it senior year. 
or maybe i feel like i hope i can make it up for you. 
because i owe you. 
i owe you... well... more than i can say. 
And i still cry. because i tore us apart.


Reborn and regretful,


     An Ex-best




ps. The black tight ones, you wore for cheer.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"because i love you"

I remember that day in bed when my ear was pressed against his chest; his heart beat was beating loudly in that perfect body of his and his vibrating voice echoed through. I could feel it too. I counted that he had 23 birthmarks on his stomach, tracing them with the tip of my fingers. We talked for a long time in that position, talked about life, music, love, our love, him, me, us, everything.

We noticed that the sun had gone down and decided to grab something to eat. We raided the fridge, eating with our fingers in our underwear on the kitchen floor. He started playing on his acoustic guitar, his eyes shut, making that silly face. But suddenly, he stopped.

He looked up, smiled at me and bent over to kiss me. I giggled. Then he let go of the guitar to sit closer to me so he could hug me. I asked him why he got so lovey dovey all of a sudden. He replied with another kiss and said because he loved me. I loved him too, very much, and I told him that.

We stared into each others' eyes for a long time and I could feel the tears building up behind mine.

‘’You’ve never seen me cry have you?’’ I asked.

‘’No, and I hope that I never will.’’ He replied back with a serious voice.

But he did.

The salty water just came pouring down my face while he, confused, tried to wipe them away with his thumbs and kisses.

‘’Why are you crying?’’ He asked, almost crying himself.

‘’Because I love you.’’ I hated how desperate I sounded.

‘’But why are you crying then?’’

I didn’t know how to tell him. Tell him that he was the only boy in the world that could make me feel so happy and sad at the same time, tell him how lost I feel when he’s not around, how jealous I get when I’m with him that I swear I could hurt somebody. Tell him that I’m so in love with him and the love we shared, so happy that he was the one I woke up to everyday, even though he snores fucking loud sometime. Tell him that when he talks my whole body shivers, how when he kisses me I forget to breath sometimes, how I feel like a little girl when he puts my hair behind my ears, even though I hate how I look with my hair like that. I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t understand why he loved me. So I simply replied:
‘’Because I love you.’’ 


-LL

Dear Friend,

For now you shall remain nameless.

Dear Friend-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless,

     I thought of you. Yes. I still think of you. I think of the one time we got high, and laughed our asses off for an hour. I think of when we were young and curious. We still are. more or less. We've learned our mistakes. Grown apart, sewn together. We've seen so much, but know so little of risk. My dearest of all dear friends, You have given sunshine and planted it in my heart where it shall remain forever deep. Your laughter has been forever with me. I still look for you. In the halls, in parking lots, at stoplights. It's been too long friend. But the time we spent together is timeless. You are timeless. Unforgettable. You are Inspiring. You have given me something no one else has to offer. and that is, a friend ship. A friendship to look back on and say, "Shit, those were the best of days." The days when I was Foolish, and thrived for adventure and stupidity and adrenaline all at once.
     Oh, the things I wish to tell you. All my secrets, and all my heartaches. All the new memories I've held within my heart. How I wish to tell you those things that shall remain unsaid. The things I long to hear from you. I want to hear about your life! How is your new school? How is your new life?

Do you think of me? I wonder. Do you miss me, like I miss you? This I'm not sure if I will ever know.
It's the littlest things, like posting a blog, or seeing your face, that brings me hope for you.

      I have hope for you, dear friend. and I think of you so often. I read back upon our letters, You wished so deeply for him. You crushed so much for him. You are so happy. :) You were sad. :( You are angry. >:(
Well now you're not here. In my life anymore. Hopefully she's a better friend than I ever was. I hope you are happy. Because you deserve it old friend. I always told you this, You deserve better than the best. Still do. Always will.

I Love You, old friend.

I Love you Friend-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless.

Sincerely,

Your ex-best.


PS. I still have your shorts, do you want them back?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Longer I Run

My love, I have no reason to be unhappy.
What is the point?
We all die. But not all of us live.

So live while you have life.
Smile.
And Laugh.
And Love.
While your cheeks are still full of color.
While your knees can support you.
While your hands can still hold tight to his.

Learn.
Learn so you don't forget.
Learn so you can know.
Learn for the fun of it.

Stretch.
While your bones are strong.
To stay strong.
To keep your heart lively.

Wear chap stick.
You know why.

Just be happy.
Why not?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Scrub Away The Color

Born This Way- Lady Gaga



When I was young I never thought myself different from other people. 
I never looked at the color of my skin and the color of theirs and was intimidated by that. I never looked at others like they were different from me, we were all the same in my eyes. I never looked at my teachers and doctors like they were higher up than me.

Once in elementary school. a kid Hit Me. My sister saw this act and asked this kid why  he hit me. He looked at her and told her straight up."She is Different." My sister threatened him telling him that I was like everyone else. and that if he dare hit me again she would go ape shit. She didn't say that exactly. but something along the lines of, "I am going to beat yo' ass up if I hear of this again."

I was a creative minded child. and  wondered if I could scrub away this color and look normal like the rest of my family. And as a kid, my mom had always told me it wouldn't be so easy for me. and that people would look at me like there was something wrong with me. and some people would hate me. I always wondered who would hate me because I have done nothing wrong.

As a kid this scared me...
but I am no longer afraid.

"Nigger Lovers." 
they called my friends. 

And let me tell you all something, 
you can call me a nigger, 
you can call me different, 
you can stare at me because the color of my face is different from the color of yours. 
You can say what you want and think what you want. But I am no different than any other person. 

Filipino. I am. 
Afraid. I am not. 
I will hit you in the face. remember that. 
Racial Discrimination must stop. 

We are Human Beings. 
We are not animals. 

I have skin like many do. just cooked alittle extra. 
I have brown eyes. Like many do. Just alittle more black.
I have hands. like many do too. just alittle tan on one side more than the other

I don't call you all white crackers.

I love white people. 
I don't care if you are white, black, yellow or Pacific Islander. 

When I am sick. I am tan
When I am angry. I am tan
When I am cold. I am tan.
When I am dead. I am tan.

But you?
When you are sick? You are green.
When you are angry? You are red.
When you are cold? You are blue.
When you are dead? You are purple.

Think about the colors you are. 
before you even have a slight thought of how I am Different. 

I am Different. & I am Proud.

BABY I WAS BORN THIS WAY.